I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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