Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
