Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Your penis caused this!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
