my phone needs a breathalizer
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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