It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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