Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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