So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
