There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
