I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
