I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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