Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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