who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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