I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Can Purell be used as lube?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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