Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
