just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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