she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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