wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
