I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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