can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
