you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
