Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
