I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
