I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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