so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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