My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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