You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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