every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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