Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
