mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Randomize
