I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
