Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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