Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize