Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
