i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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