The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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