remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
