I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
