so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
