I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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