Non-Jews are for practice
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
