Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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