I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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