i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
