Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
