textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
