Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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