I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
