apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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