You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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