I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
