He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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