I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
