FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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