I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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