I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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