I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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