Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
