And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
